Airport Etiquette

I was reading through some of my papers the other night and found my rules of Airport etiquette I had written about 15 years ago.  I was traveling primarily in America during the time I wrote this. And I think all the planes and hotel rooms had been getting the best of me.  However, as time has passed I have learned that these rules should apply everywhere in the world and decided that this would be a great story to share with you.  So please enjoy and without further adieu I give you…


So my flight to Minnesota went well today and I already can’t wait to get back home on Saturday.  I’m sitting in my hotel room now waiting for the festivities to get started. I’ve always found it interesting and fun watching people and thinking of my own observations of life and the things around us.  I understand that we as human beings have a very high opinion of ourselves. But it never ceases to amaze me the animalistic behaviors we can exhibit.  We really are not that far from being out of the caves.

Have you ever stopped to think about how insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things?  I mean with all of the galaxies and planets out there and the length of time they have been there, why the hell do we still believe that we are the center of the universe?  I mean isn’t this life meant to be fun and for us to create the things we want?  So why are we so hung up with society, money, power and all of the things that cause wars?

Oh well, enough of my ranting and raving.  What I really want to say is that I think when we’re flying we should be required to follow some simple rules of etiquette.  Below is what I believe should be THE LAW.

1. Pushing and shoving through the security gate will not get you through faster. With me in line it could get you punched in the mouth.  If my daughter is with me and you touch her it will. Likewise, yelling at the people that work there because you’re late will not help, and they don’t deserve your hate. They’re only doing their job.  Settle down, or TSA could be informed that you are a known terrorist and you need a full cavity search.

2. If, while waiting for the plane to arrive, I’m talking to someone and there is a seat open between us, don’t just sit down and pretend like we weren’t talking. WE WERE.  It’s rude and you’re an idiot.  Your mama should have taught you better than that.

3. When the plane pulls up to the tarmac, I promise you are not going to get off any faster by being the first one out of your seat and grabbing your luggage from the overhead compartment.  Relax and enjoy the moment!  You’ll get off at the same time regardless of what you do or the desperate look on your face. If an additional thirty seconds really means that much in your life, you’re going to be late anyway. Besides, you standing in the aisle looking like a caged monkey is funny to some of us and an embarrassment to you.

4. If you’re like five foot seven and weigh over three hundred pounds, that third and fourth egg Mcmuffin is not doing you any good. They will make you fatter, clog your arteries and cause you an untimely death.  Besides that, watching you shove those things in your mouth whole and then swallowing them without chewing makes some of us sick and unable to eat.

Do us a favor, step away from the counter, and go for a walk.  And on that note, if you’re a man and your belly sticks out so far that you can’t see your feet, you’re disgusting, (even to other men like me who are not gay) and you give us all a bad name.  Go on a diet and get on a treadmill, you’ll feel better about yourself and the world will be a better place for us all.

5. If there’s a sign on something that says “out of order”, and someone took the time to tape it up, odds are pretty good it doesn’t work. (Candid camera is not coming here to give you your fifteen minutes of fame and make you miss your plane.)  Trying to use it, or trying to flush toilet paper down it is only going to make the rest of us look at it. We really don’t want to see it, and no one wants to clean it up.  Please leave it alone.

6 I don’t care how pretty or handsome you think you are, you do not deserve special treatment. When you’re rude you’re ugly anyway, so get over yourself.  If you’re a woman and I’m looking at you it only means that I am fantasizing about getting down your pants and that’s all. It doesn’t mean I will try, or even talk to you. It just means that I’m thinking about it. Accept the compliment and move on.

7 If you are wearing a shirt that is showing off your tits, me, like the rest of the men in the world are going to look at them.  It does you no good to get pissed off at us. Nor does it mean we want you.  WE AS MEN LOVE TITS AND ARE JUST LOOKING.  I understand that women dress to impress other women but good God, men do exist.  I have an idea, cover them up and you won’t have the problem, or accept the compliment that we think they are spectacular and move on.

8 As a man; if you’re a woman and want to look at me while I’m walking down the hall, please do.  Check out my tits if you want.  Lol   I work hard at keeping myself fit and I promise you I will smile and get a little extra happiness in my step.  We as men love compliments and you checking us out is the best we can ever hope for.  Believe me, it doesn’t matter what you look like, if you’re checking us out, you are a ten!

9 If you see me skipping down the hall or doing my John Travolta Saturday Night Fever imitation, lighten up and quit starring at me.  You’ll only encourage me further.  And besides, life is way to short to be that serious.  We will all get to our destination and if you ever really understood the concept of time you would know that fifty years after you die, no one will really care if you were on this planet or not!

10 The rule has always been women and children first.  What happened to looking out for one another and to being a gentleman?  Have we really come to the point where we’re so busy we can’t take the time to help a little old lady struggling with her luggage or a child that is lost and looking for its mother?

Get over yourself!  The world does not revolve around you and your job.  If you can’t take a few minutes to help a fellow human being, you’re a jerk. Remember your actions when it’s you looking for help and the world is trampling you under its feet
For the record, I love little old ladies and children. I would miss my plane to help them if it became necessary.  You might be surprised at how heartwarming their smiles are when they realize someone truly cares. So quite starring at me like they’re going to rob me of all my earthly possessions. Mind your own business and move on with your busy life.  If they need what I have I will happily give it to them. And you can rest assured it won’t cost you anything!

I know you’re all going to think I’m trying to be funny here, but these really are the things I saw at the airport today.  Kind of sad isn’t it?  And for the record the child wasn’t lost, it was just running a little behind her screaming mother.  I did help the little old lady, and I didn’t get robbed or miss my plane.  I guess God was looking out for both of us.  Amazing isn’t it?

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